The Assumption of Lovino Vargas
by melonstyle
Summary: Lovino just wanted a normal life. However, Gilbert's taken that desire and thrown it out the window. Gilbert's set up a club he's dubbed the BAMF Squad, which seeks out the extraordinary. Unfortunately for Lovino, he has no choice but to comply. Prumano
1. the beginning for

_**Hey! I know; I'm lame. But I can't help but get fic ideas. And this one has been nagging at me like crazy. Plus I discovered that Lovino is a total joy to write. Anyway, here's a summary!**_

_**Lovino Vargas desired a normal life, free of supernatural beings. Only it seems the more he desired normal, the less 'normal' he got. Because his brother's boyfriend's brother happens to be a total freak, who claims to be seeking out the extraordinary and that the world should revolve for him. Unfortunately for Lovino, the extraordinary is everywhere and even worse... the world really DOES revolve around Gilbert Beilschmidt...**_

_**So yes, this fanfiction is based off the Haruhi Suzumiya light novels. However, the plot will eventually take a different turn. I'd say the first arc is the most similar to the light novels but from there onwards, it becomes more and more different. So yes, there will be timetravellers and espers and aliens and junk! Who's who? You'll have to read and find out!**_

_**Pairings for this fic include: Prussia/Romano (eventual), Germany/Italy (established), Prussia/Hungary, America/Russia, Spain/Romano, France/Spain/Prussia, France/Romano, Germany/Romano, Spain/Belgium, Belarus/Russia, Estonia/Ukraine, Austria/Switzerland and more.**_

_**I'll get around to updating my other fanfics sometime. Read on! Do enjoy and reviews would be highly appreciated! 8D**_

_**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**_

**the beginning for lovino vargas.**

I'm trying to remember when it all began. Because this potato bastard has me pressed up against a wall completely in the eye of the public, saying he wants me. Last time I checked, I had nothing to do with this guy. But now everyone around us probably thinks I have everything to do with this guy! God damn it all! I just want a normal life and now it feels like I'm wrapped around the finger of none other than the self-proclaimed 'King of Awesome', Gilbert Beilschmidt.

In reality, he's just an idiot with an overblown ego. And idiot hair colour. Stupid eyes. Retarded accent. He can take his 'Ja's and suck it for all I care. Hell, it's worse that I actually associate with this loser not just in school but out of it.

They say the truth is stranger than fiction or something. I had a feeling my truth was following fiction like some kind of fucking mimicry. Many novels have had scenes of a character shoving another character into a wall and saying that kinda shit. And while I'm at it, I'm fairly certain Gilbert Beilschmidt doesn't mean for sex as he's claiming he wants me. For the record, I am not gay and would never want him to be meaning such a thing in the first place. That would be stupid and disgusting. My reddening face and quickened heartbeat are solely because this whole scenario took me off guard.

After all, nobody expects to be on their way to the shitty school cafeteria only for the most notorious and infamous student in the school to leap out of nowhere and tackle you against a hard surface. It fucking hurt the back of my head too, that bastard.

So my point is that I know Gilbert Beilschmidt. He gets too close for comfort on a regular basis. A month of high school hasn't even gone by and already we're 'together'. This isn't the first scenario that's happened that one could misinterpret.

Right. Let's rewind. A month or so ago.

_-.-.-.-.-.A month ago, where I was trying to nap only for it to be interrupted by some bastards.-.-.-.-.-_

"Ciao, fratello! There's some people I want you to meet!" I felt my brother press his hands against my stomach in attempt of waking me up. Sheesh, I can't ever take a good nap on the couch without being interrupted. Bastard fratellino, I was already awake; I just didn't want to open my eyes and see the latest fags you've rounded up. "Ve~ you already know one of them! But I want to reintroduce them!"

I sat up immediately, shoving my brother away and scowling towards the front door. Reintroduce? Why would he? I tried to think. Don't tell me; he's going to tell me he's going out with one of his friends now. Think, Lovino, think! Who the shit is a friend of Feliciano's that would also qualify as a possible love interest?

...Elizabeta..?

She's really pretty and nice, so I guess I'd be okay with someone like her dating my brother... I'd rather have her instead but if my brother's dating her, I wouldn't object. Most of the other girls I knew he hung out with seemed okay.

And there's no way Feliciano would have a relationship upgrade with one of his guy friends, right?

...

Consider me wrong.

Standing in the doorway were two of the most despicable people I had ever seen.

Feliciano introduced them as his "boyfriend Ludwig and his fratello Gilbert!"

_...boyfriend Ludwig and fratello Gilbert..._

_...__**boyfriend Ludwig**_...

..._**boyfriend**_...

**BOYFRIEND.**

What the flying fucking tomato shit is this?

No.

Oh no no!

I'm not having any of that.

I.

AM.

NOT.

HAVING.

ANY.

OF.

THIS.

And yes, I must emphasize this shit with **CAPITALS.**

I don't approve of this relationship.

That's an understatement.

And why's the potato bastard dragged his brother along? This is some fucking family invasion! I'm not having the Vargas family become one with the Beilschmidt bastards! What nasty offspring they'd produ – thank god we're all males and that's impossible.

I disapprove of this shit, okay? Actually no, it's not okay. Nothing is okay about this situation!

Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt is going down.

...

"Let me go, let me go!" I cried out as I tried to lunge at the potato bastard and beat him up. No one gets to date my brother without asking me first! That's just wrong! But Feliciano latched onto me and clung. Damn it all! He's defending that dumbass macho potato! How could he? Stupid brother! Stupid brother with shitty taste in love interests! "I said let go, dammit!"

"But fratello..!" Feliciano pleaded for me to calm down. Calm down? That was simply out of the question. Ludwig stared at me with malicious eyes. Probably thinking that he's better than me or something because he's manipulated my idiot brother. Well, he'll have to guess again. He's nowhere near on my level of greatness. And he hasn't really manipulated my brother, dammit! He's just going through a stage of confusion and that potato bastard's taking advantage of his vulnerable idiot state. It's horrible! "Ah? Fratello, please don't cry!"

What? I'm not crying! I'm not that upset by all of this! So I told my brother as such and that well, it would be all solved once I'm allowed to tear Ludwig's head off.

And I think it was at that moment that he caught my eye.

No, not Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt. The other potato-head, the other Beilschmidt. Gilbert.

He flashed me a grin, chuckling at my behaviour as if I were merely a source of entertainment for him. It was the first time I'd really noticed his presence and fuck, he's already pissing me off. His red eyes examined me, looking me up and down. Then his smirk grew wider. That silver-haired fucker better not have been checking me out, dammit..! Oh, he grinned even more when he saw me staring at him as I continued screaming at Feliciano to unhand me. Bastard. Bet he has a huge ego.

"Lovino Vargas, right?"

"Fucking hell, let go of –" I stopped yelling suddenly. Huh? Gilbert was talking to me. I sneered at him. "What's it to you?"

Ignoring the attitude in my response, Gilbert continued asking questions. "And you're starting at the local high school along with your brother soon, right?"

"If you're asking only out of mere curiosity, I don't feel like continuing to answer!" I felt Feliciano's grip on me loosen up. So I ripped myself from his grasp and gave everyone one last glare. Ugh, if attacking just ends up in me being restrained, then I'm out of here! Seeing Ludfag and knowing he and my brother are supposedly going out makes me sick to the stomach. Without further ado, I left the house. "Damn you all!"

As I made my way out the door, I could hear Gilbert laughing. Laughing at me..! Asshole.

...

Don't you dare assume I was running away! Leaving and running away are two different things, okay? Anyway, that scene there... it was the declaration of war. The first battle is yet to come, dammit! And I'm going to win that battle. The next one too.

It's not that I don't want my fratellino to be happy. I just would rather he be happy with someone I approved of. That's understandable, isn't it? Well, it is. Hmph.

Though it wasn't just the declaration of war that occurred that day.

That day would forever remain embedded in my memory for a different reason. The reason wasn't anything to do with the unfortunate fact that my fratellino has retarded taste in men. Nor was it the fact that Ludwig was reintroduced to me not as Feliciano's potato bastard friend but as Feliciano's potato bastard butt buddy. Those were memories I'd rather delete anyway. No, that day was significant for this reason and this reason alone.

For it was the day I'd met Gilbert Beilschmidt.

...

The meeting itself wasn't really anything of significance. It was the fact we had met that was significant. I mean, I was just firing off profanities and wanting to murder Ludwig while Gilbert simply watched on in amusement. He pissed me off with his smirking and his laughing and so on. Bastard wasn't taking my behaviour seriously, dammit! I was being serious! He's fortunate I didn't really murder his brother that day! I would've totally done it! Ugh.

It was a couple of weeks later that I realised I'd truly made an impact on Gilbert Beilschmidt.

You see, Feliciano is in his first year of high school this year while I'm starting my second year. The previous year I was attending a different school. It was a private school but well, I wasn't doing too brilliantly. To put it plainly, my grades were total and utter shit. Then Feliciano made some friends from some other school called Hetalia Boys' High. Retarded name, I know. Those friends were Ludwig Beilschmidt and Kiku Honda.

They seemed harmless at first, I guess. Ludwig was going to be a freshman like my brother. He wasn't actually a Hetalia Boys' High student when he and Feliciano met, but he was going to go there. Kiku was a freshman at the time too. Ludwig and Kiku weren't loud individuals and I saw that Ludwig looked out for Feliciano a lot of the time. He always gave me this look that suggested he wanted to say something, but he never really did say anything. I kind of didn't care. Kiku was reserved and quiet. Occasionally he and I talked. I guess out of those two, I preferred Kiku.

One day I'd run into Kiku in the streets and we chatted, yeah. The topic of Feliciano and Ludwig came up. He said something about Feliciano and Ludwig going to see a movie. Then he muttered something about being a third wheel. Man, only now do I realise what he meant. But I didn't get what he meant at the time and this put me on edge, wondering what was between Ludwig and my brother, my fratellino. Kiku didn't explain further.

Then he said Feliciano had chosen to go to Hetalia Boys' High, so he could hang out with him and Ludwig more.

This bothered me a lot. I'd asked my parents about it and they said Feliciano was allowed to choose whichever high school he wanted. I was pissed off. They never gave me a choice! Even though I had shit grades, they still pushed me into a school that was too difficult for me. I was the worst student. When they did those lists of the top students, I was never there. Instead I was on a different list; the list of students who needed to redo their exams due to failure. That was where I belonged. It was like they were making a spectacle of the fact that I can't achieve anything.

But they would grant Feliciano the happiness of being with friends at a school where he wouldn't be the worst student at all? I felt insulted. So so insulted. How could my parents do that to me? I knew Feliciano was the family favourite; I knew that but... how could they keep rubbing it in?

So I did it. I demanded that I go to Hetalia Boys' High too. I protested. I yelled. I screamed. I sulked. I did everything in my power to be transferred over to that school. My efforts paid off. My second year of high school would no longer be at a fucking difficult so-called prestigious school.

Instead it would be at Hetalia Boys' High where I would be the 'fag's brother' or something. Great. Just great! And after the performance I made to switch over to the school to keep an eye on Feliciano, Ludwig just had to butt on in there too! Why did he have to fall for my brother? Why does everyone fall for my brother? When we arrived on the first day, I already saw some eyes being made at him. I'd wish for girls to be around, except they'd all just fuss over Feliciano instead, I bet. And if someone thought all of that was bad, things just had to get worse.

Oh yes.

I was placed in the same class as Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Cue the look of horror.

But wait, we haven't even reached the tip of the iceberg.

You know how on the first day, we're sorted into our classes and we get our seats and we do our introductions? Yeah, I was never going to forget this. And neither was the rest of the class. In fact, the moment was burned into the memories of all who were in the room, there to witness what happened.

It wasn't the fact Kiku had been placed into my class too.

Nor was my introduction anything to marvel at. Just the ordinary 'my name is Lovino Vargas; I went to Allievo Academy last year' and some shit about my interests. Nothing special, really. Though I suppose the fact I went to a different school the previous year may have interested a few people. Ugh, they probably think I'm some kind of retard, switching from a nerdy fancy school to this dump. Actually, I kind of agree with this thought. Damn.

Getting off track.

The introduction that left an impression the most was none other than Gilbert's. His desk was right behind mine and after I sat down, he stood up. I sensed a shift in the atmosphere. The other students stared at him with mixed expressions etched on their faces. I guess it didn't surprise me. Gilbert did strike me as one of those infamous types.

But I never expected the words that then proceeded to pour out of his mouth.

"Yo! My name is Gilbert Beilschmidt and I'm incredibly awesome!" From the get-go, he is already oozing arrogance and I think I already want to bash his skull with my chair. "Not that you don't already know... Uh, let's see..." his eyes scanned the classroom and he sighed. "Damn, I don't think any of you are awesome enough to be worth my time... So if you have anything to pass onto me, do so via Lovino Vargas here! Awesome, sussed!" And with that, he sat down again with a smug grin.

Wait, what?

Did he just assign me as his fucking secretary or something? Dude, just because you can't be fucked interacting with most of these guys doesn't mean I have to put up with them in place of you! I was about to voice a protest when the teacher awkwardly told the next student behind Gilbert to stand up and talk. Ugh, I'll definitely yell at him later. But now everyone thinks I'm actually associated with that goddamn Gilbert! I can see it now. The misconceptions, the misunderstandings, the misinterpretations. Shit, if everyone knows about Feliciano and Ludwig, are they going to assume there's something between me and Gilbert? No! I'm not having any of that! That would be shit!

...

I spent most of the day glued to my seat, fuming. What a bastard. My first day and I already want to hang everyone, pelt rotten tomatoes at their faces and roast them while they're still barely alive. Then the bell for lunch went.

Gilbert was aggravatingly quick to leap out of his seat and exit the classroom. I would've chased after him if it weren't for some bastard grabbing my shoulder and pulling me back. Turning to face him, I realised it was the idiot who sat behind Gilbert, Alfred Jones or something like that. Kiku was with him. With a sigh, I agreed to get lunch with them. Kiku's decent, I guess. Checking my cellphone, I saw I got twenty texts from Feliciano announcing random happenings such as getting into Ludwig's class, already being invited to join some school clubs and so on. I announced this to Kiku, who replied that I should consider joining some clubs too.

Alfred was quick to agree. "Yeah! Hey Lovi –" I was quick to correct him – "you should consider the baseball club!"

"It's a shit sport," I told him bluntly. Alfred simply erupted into laughter at this. Ugh, if he's like Gilbert... "Anyway, I'm not interested in sports."

"Too bad!" Alfred replied, shoving a burger into his mouth. Seriously? A burger? Poor taste. "In that case," he talked while he had a mouthful of food, "you should tell Gilbert to join the baseball club!"

I scowled at him. "Look, I don't care what the shit Gilbert said! I'm not his fucking messenger, dammit! Go ask him yourself!" Kiku looked at me sympathetically. Alfred raised an eyebrow.

"Okay! But ah... why did he mention you in his introduction?" Ugh, wouldn't we all like to know! "Do you know each other outside of school? I mean, you were going really red when he mentioned ya!" Then he burst out laughing again. "Yeah, you looked like that!"

Fuck, I was NOT going red just then! And I definitely wasn't turning red when Gilbert brought my name up in his stupid intro! Why the fuck would I go red over something like that? As I started boiling with rage again, Kiku then brought the building tension down.

"I am friends with the brothers of Lovino-san and Gilbert-san. They know each other because their brothers are um..." he shuffled about awkwardly in his seat. "...best friends." Ah, he wasn't going to tell Alfred about the true details of Feliciano and Ludwig's relationship. I guess that was relieving. Alfred didn't need to know the truth. He looked like the type who would tell everyone.

"Still! That introduction was something! Are you close with Gilbert?" Alfred and Kiku both stared at me. Fuck, they both want answers.

"No!" I was quick to answer. "I don't even know him that well, dammit!"

Kiku blinked. "...Well, he's certainly interested in you."

"Why would he be?"

Alfred chuckled again. "You're making that face again!" I continued to yell at the two, trying to grasp why Gilbert would mention me in his introduction as if I was some kind of subordinate. When I gave up yelling and Alfred's laughter died down, he decided to tell me about Gilbert, having realised I didn't actually know a lot about him. "Uh, you could say he's a massive freak. He doesn't seem to have any friends, but he claims fiercely that he's too awesome for anyone. Last year's introduction consisted of him listing off the qualities he deemed worthy of him. Time travellers, espers, sliders and aliens, he said! Of course, there was nobody like that at the school, so he became a loner, a troublemaker at that too."

"So he's a total loser. Wow, who didn't catch that memo?" I rolled my eyes.

Time travellers, espers, sliders and aliens? Those don't exist. What an idiot. No wonder he ended up alone. I can already envision the previous year. Gilbert wouldn't settle for less than unusual and so he ended up with less than ordinary. The trouble he caused would've probably been a cry for attention but the whole 'too awesome' thing was his way of covering his loneliness up or something. But the idiot brought it upon himself, dammit. I bet that's how it is. Wait, I'm not trying to understand this Gilbert bastard or anything...

Again, Alfred laughed. Ugh, does he find everything funny or something? "Anyway, last year Gilbert joined every single club. He only lasted a few days per club, despite the fact that he's actually pretty good. The baseball club I'm a member of had tried for ages to get him to return, but he said we weren't awesome enough! It was a total insult! Definitely wasn't awesome of him. I mean, not even I, the Hero of the baseball club could convince him. If I can't do it, no one can."

"So why did you ask me to ask him earlier?" I folded my arms and glowered.

He rested his elbow on the desk and his head on his hand and smiled at me. Tch, I don't like that idiot expression on his face. "You're different, Lovino!" I felt my face heat up at this retarded comment. Different! Different how? Just because I went to a rich-bitch school last year doesn't make me any differe – "Ahaha! You do pull that face a lot!"

And the next thing he knew, I had shoved one of my pizza slices directly into his face. Annoying bastard deserved it.

There was a silence as the burger bastard peeled the slice of his face. He looked at it, laughed again and proceeded to eat it, thanking me for sharing my lunch.

Fucking bastard.

Kiku chuckled at the both of us. He looked content, sitting and watching Alfred and I converse while he eats his weirdo Asian junk. Noticing me now staring at him, he chose to speak up. "Ah, Alfred-san is right though. Gilbert-san is a rather curious individual. He has asked out many girls and he's very persistent until she agrees. But then he always breaks up with her not long after."

Alfred's eyes widened. "I remember that! He did that all throughout middle school and last year! But wasn't there one girl who consistently kept on rejecting him to the point that he simply gave up?"

"Not long after he made it clear that he'd given up, she suddenly transferred into Allievo Academy..." Kiku pointed out. "Her name was Elizabeta, wasn't it?"

"I know her!" I cut in. They both looked at me. "What? I used to go to that school, assholes. Anyway, she transferred midyear and provided no explanation. It was sure weird and all but uh... she's nice."

"She is!" Alfred agreed, beaming at me. "Wow, small world!" Too small a world, in fact. "She became well known as 'the Rejecter' after the whole thing going on with her and Gilbert. Everyone at Hetalia Girls' High admired her over that. Actually, Gilbert did stop asking others out after that. I think he got pretty depressed. Finally got a taste of his own medicine, don't you think? Considerably he spent ages dating and dumping."

"I guess..." I get the feeling Gilbert was just killing time. I glanced off to the side; Gilbert didn't seem to be coming back.

"Hey Lovino, you're not a time traveller or anything, right?"

I spat out my drink in front of me. Unfortunately for Kiku, I was looking at him at that exact moment. "What the shit, Alfred? I'm not! Why would you ask something like that?"

He laughed. "Poor Kiku!" Reaching into his pocket for a handkerchief or something, he answered my question. "Because that's the type of person Gilbert claimed to be interested in! You're obviously of some significance to him; I thought that could've meant you were one. Or are you an esper? Alien? Which is it?"

"None of those things!" I snapped. He looked disappointed. Kiku frantically wiped at his own face before frowning at his lunchbox. Oops, some of the drink I spat out went straight into his lunch. It's Alfred's fault for asking retarded questions!

"...Maybe you really are, but you're just not telling me!"

"I'm not; I'm really not!"

"...Then I don't get it. Hey, see if you can get Gilbert to at lunch with you tomorrow!"

"Why?"

"I'll shout you free pizza after school this Friday!" Free pizza? I looked at him suspiciously. "You can choose. Any place; any toppings... I'll buy it for you!"

"...Fine. But if you don't hold up your end of the bargain, I'll rip your head off. Got it?"

He laughed. "I'm a hero! Heroes would never not uphold their end of a deal! We've got a power promise!"

...Idiot.

...

Alfred and Kiku did become people I spent a lot of time with. But on the second day of school, neither of them stuck around for lunch. I don't think that's why Alfred told me to hang out with Gilbert though. Quite frankly, I'd much rather eat by myself. Whatever; I'll see if I can get that free pizza. Just as I was going to get up and approach Gilbert, I was stopped by none other than the class president, Ivan Braginski.

Well, not really. A lot of people in this class were in the same class the previous year and Ivan was the class president then. People seemed to think he would be class president again this year. I couldn't care less.

"You're friends with Gilbert, da?" Okay, never mind a hello. Shit, Ivan's actually really tall... If I remembered right, there's a rumour or two flying around that Alfred has a thing for this guy. But if you asked Alfred about it, he'd just laugh at you. Meh, I don't see why anyone would have a thing for this guy anyway. He's wearing a ridiculously large non-regulation scarf and has a nose the size of my hand or something. I shit you not.

"Not at all," I responded huffily. Ivan really wasn't the first to ask this. As I walked around the school, I could already feel all eyes on me. I really didn't need to be known by everyone, dammit.

Gilbert was about to head out of the classroom like yesterday, but he stopped to watch Ivan and I interact. Ivan just wanted me to pass on some notices. But he noticed that Gilbert wasn't leaving, so he suddenly took the notices off me again and thrust them into his hands. And with that, he left instead. Gilbert glanced down at the notices and then at me. Realising this was my chance; I strode on up to him.

"Ciao bastardo!" I greeted him, narrowing my eyes. He frowned. Was it because I insulted him? If so, great! "Are you going out again?"

"Ja!" he nodded, tearing the notices he was given into shreds. Then he suddenly grinned. "Want to join me? You're always free to bask in my awesomeness."

I faked a smile; my eye twitched. "Don't make me throw you out the window, bastard~!" Gilbert raised an eyebrow. I sighed. "What the fuck was with yesterday's introduction? You barely know me. The only time you saw me; I was pissed off because of our brothers."

"I know!" Gilbert started to walk. I walked alongside him, though I died inside at the attention we attracted just by being seen together. Fucking high schools and their shit. All gossiping like women. "But uh... you were sure something! Just one look at my brother and you were already riled up! It was pretty memorable. And not much seems to be memorable these days..." That irritated me, coming from him of all people. "But then you appear with that behaviour! It was pretty hilarious. I thought it was a... bit awesome. And anyway, you're the brother of my brother's boyfriend. Your brother's a good kid. I want to get along with both you and him. You should be honoured!"

Did he just say something other than him was awesome..? Wait, he said I was memorable and that was 'awesome', didn't he? I definitely wasn't going red, dammit! Ugh, of course he likes my brother too... moreso than me, I bet. Not that I care or anything.

"...Well, I think you're a total and utter bastard! Do you even like the idea of your potato bastard brother dating my brother?" I really wanted Gilbert to agree with me and say they were horrible together.

"I think they're great together!" he grinned. "And I know you disagree!"

Remind me never to set such high expectations for Gilbert ever again.

...

We trailed into the school cafeteria and Gilbert ordered everything that contained potatoes. Ew, figures he'd be a potato freak too. Awful taste. I decided to ask him what those notices were about. He blinked.

"Clubs wanting to recruit."

"You didn't want to join?"

"I did last year, but they were stupid and had stupid people. I'm not going back there." He sighed and started off by eating his potato top pie. Gross. In between mouthfuls, he'd talk. "I mean, you need to feel it's worth going to keep going, right? If there's something about it that makes you look forward to it less, then there's no point. I want awesome, you know?"

No, I don't really know.

"Then go make it yourself; I don't care."

"Hmmm..."

We both went quiet as Gilbert tapped his chin in thought. But the silence irritated me, so I decided to break it.

"So I heard you made a strange introduction in your freshman year too..." I mentioned with a rather flat, disinterested tone. Dammit, what was Alfred's real reason for wanting me to hang out with him? I doubt he actually cares about whether Gilbert has friends or not.

"Did I? You tell me!"

I scowled. "You did. Freak, you wanted time travellers and the like to appear!"

He nodded. "Wouldn't it be awesome?"

"...They don't exist," I replied bluntly. Finally he frowned. He muttered something but I didn't hear it. "Care to speak louder, dumbass?"

"Ugh, don't worry!" he shoved more potato salad into his gob. I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, they could exist. Otherwise I'm running out of points."

"Points?"

The bastard continued eating, choosing not to answer me. Fine! Be that way! I really don't care. With a sigh, I folded my arms and urged for the bell signalling the end of lunchtime to ring. It wasn't ringing. When Gilbert finished his potato salad, he looked up at me again. "Don't have your own food to eat?" I shook my head; I'd left it back in the classroom, dammit. "Then here." He shuffled in his pockets and pulled out some money and flung it at me. A crumpled up ten dollar note. He saw my expression. "You look ridiculous. Just take it."

With a sigh, I went and ordered some pasta. I returned with it and sat down again, keeping the change for myself. He never asked for it back! I tasted the pasta. Guh, not that good. But it's pasta, so it wasn't completely disgusting. I ate it all.

Gilbert and I ate the rest of lunch in silence. It was freaking weird. I expected Gilbert to be more of a chatterbox, but instead he appeared lost in thought. He kept looking at me strangely. Then he'd smirk whenever he realised I was staring at him. Freaking bastard. I absolutely detest that smirk!

But I surprised myself.

I really did expect to hate him a hell lot more than I did... Then again, his brother Ludwig did take up a lot of my hate-power. Shit, it shouldn't be this limited!

...

Oh god, when I think about it, it was probably that day that really triggered it all. I approached him and I talked to him and I even spent time with him. And the bastard gave me money to buy my own lunch. It probably sealed everything. As far as the school were concerned, Gilbert and I were friends. I didn't think so. I blatantly didn't think so! And I got the feeling Gilbert Beilschmidt didn't give a shit either way.

Alfred did buy me that pizza by the way. Honestly, I could make a great account of what happened there. Except that would be a different story. If it mattered enough, I would mention it. But it's irrelevant to Gilbert and I. Alfred does quiz me a lot about what happens whenever Gilbert and I hung out.

You know what? Fuck it; I don't think Ivan's the one Alfred's interested in. With the way he keeps asking me about Gilbert, I'd say he has a crush on the potato bastard instead! Ivan also asked me to try and get Gilbert more involved in interacting with the rest of the class. He said it was good that I'd befriended him. Like I said, everyone now was under that misconception that I actually was and wanted to be friends with Gilbert. That really isn't how it is! Really!

Interestingly enough, Gilbert told me to shut up the instant I brought up Elizabeta. Hell, the mention of her name made him angry. It was kind of freaky, really. I didn't think that pissed off look suited him at all. So I decided not to question him further and managed to ease the discussion into a debate over why tomatoes were clearly superior to potatoes. I reckon I won that debate. Just saying.

But everytime Gilbert smirked, I just knew it was me who would be feeling pissed off next.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

What was happening now? Oh right, Gilbert had pressed me up against a wall in front of many other students with a rather predatory glint in his eyes. This had to be the gayest thing ever, fucking hell. "Lovino Vargas," he breathed my name. Ugh, it sounds weird coming from him. "I want you... I want you so badly..." I could see a couple students snickering from the corner of my eyes. The rest were just gawking.

I scowled up at him. "What do you want me for, bastard?"

He pulled away and stared at me. "So you'll let me have you? Fuck, that was easy."

"I didn't say that," I grumbled, rolling my eyes. At least he let go of me. People were still staring though. So I gave them killer glares. Shit, that didn't actually work. Don't tell me: my face has gone all red and I can't be taken seriously anymore? "What do you want, dammit?"

"I want you..." he leaned in towards me, too close for comfort. I backed off slightly. Goddamn fag. "...for my club. BAMF Squad."

"BAMF Squad," I repeated. Okay, what the fuck kind of name is that? That had to be the most retarded name for a club ever! There's no way the school would allow a club to be named that anyway!

"Ja! I'll mark you down as the first member!" And with that, he took me by my school tie and yanked me along with him. Where we were headed, I had no clue. Hell, I don't even remember agreeing to any of this! But if I tried to stop following him, I'd choke. What the hell is the BAMF part of BAMF Squad supposed to stand for? Bad-Ass Mother Fucker? There's definitely no way the school would allow that name for a club! I'm content not joining, dammit! So why would Gilbert-

Oh.

Fuck. It was my idea, wasn't it? When I told him to make his own. But it shut him up for a while, didn't it? Looks like I've triggered a fucking apocalypse instead. Way to go, Lovino Vargas.

I really should consider transferring out again.

**_-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_**

**_Gilbert: Ha! Next time on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas' - eh, how come he gets to be the one mentioned in the title?_**

**_Lovino: My assumption; not yours. Anyway, it looks like I've been officially dragged into the BAMF Squad - wait, fratellino's boyfriend is joining too? Fuck, I'm lea-_**

**_Gilbert: Oh, if you want to leave, I'll ask Feliciano to join instead!_**

**_Lovino: ...Ugh! I'm only here to prevent that potato bastard getting alone time with my fratellino! Wait, who's this smiley bastard you're dragging into the group?_**

**_Gilbert: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! He's bound to attract the masses!_**

**_Antonio: Hmm? How so, Gilly~?_**

**_Lovino: Well, for starters, you guys are NOT going out looking like that!_**

**_Gilbert: Oh, I'm not! Antonio is!_**

**_Lovino: What?_**

**_Gilbert: Next time on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas' is... 'The Awesomeness of Gil-_**

**_Lovino: Liar. It's 'The Attraction of Lovino Vargas'. Arrivederci._**

**_And with a dorky next-episode style preview, you know you want to review! *shot*_**

**_Anyway, until next time, adios!_**

**_Mel-Girl._**


	2. the attraction of

_**Hey! Here I am, already with an update, haha. I guess I'm just inspired to write this fic at the moment. Wonder how long that'll last, hmm? Thanks a heap for the reviews and faves and alerts! Perhaps some of those alerts/faves could translate into reviews, eh? ;D /shot/**_

_**Anyway, I don't have much to say at this stage. So you can start reading now~**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**_

**the attraction of lovino vargas.**

I got dragged down the hallway, down the stairs, down another hallway, down some more stairs and finally out of the main school building and towards a separate building altogether. Apparently this building was some kind of clubrooms building, where all the different clubs in the school could have their own personal meeting place. The rooms that were unused were either ignored or taken by students for studying. I heard only one room in the building was being unused.

From the look of things, this silver-haired potato brain intended to make that room the clubroom for his BARF Squad or whatever he was calling it. Oh, and he appeared to be under the false assumption that I wanted to join his stupid club.

For the record, I want nothing to do with his club and I want nothing to do with Gilbert Beilschmidt.

But at the same time, it was true that I felt curious. Part of me wanted to see where all this would go and what would happen. Eventually Gilbert and I reached that one leftover room and burst on inside. Once we were in, Gilbert flung me to the side and I smacked into an empty bookcase. Fucking hell, could he at least be more careful when he discards people? It's not like tossing litter onto a sidewalk. I'm a human being, for god's sake!

Pressing my hands against the shelf to stand upright again, it finally occurred to me that we had walked in on someone studying. That someone was someone I didn't wish to see. In fact, I was making a point of avoiding the bastard.

"Hey bro!" Gilbert greeted him with enthusiasm in his voice.

Fuck! Why is Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt here?

It seemed as though I'd said that aloud, because the blonde bastard was now staring at me, his blue eyes twitching. "Are you okay, Lovino?" he asked. Huh? Of course, I'm not..! He reached into his bag and pulled out a packet of tissues. "Your nose is bleeding..!" What? No, it isn- oh hell, it is. He stood up and headed towards me and began to dab at my nose with his tissues. I slapped his hands away and yelled at him not to touch me, snatching his tissues and retreating to a corner of the room. Ludwig sighed and turned to face his brother again. "Bruder, be more careful when handling other people! Lovino isn't a ragdoll to be tossed aside."

"That's right! I'm not!" I agreed in a sulky tone. "...Not that I'm agreeing with Ludfag or anything..!"

Gilbert laughed. "I know, I know! Anyway, you secured the room! Great!"

Ah, so that's why Ludwig's here.

"I did..." he exhaled, picking up his textbooks and placing them in his bag again. "I promised to have lunch with Feliciano, so I'll be taking my leave now."

I shuffled in front of the doorway and spread my arms out; making it clear my intent was to block him from doing so. "Nah-uh! Stay away from my brother, dammit! I don't want you anywhere near him!" Yes! I'm managing to make eye contact with him. The bastard has no choice but to take me seriously.

Except that the next thing I knew, Gilbert shoved Ludwig onto me with the shout of, "Aw! His arms are open to embrace ya, bro!" What the fucking shit, that's far from the truth! I collapsed against the door and I managed to put my arms in front of me in an attempt to stop Ludwig from falling into me. Instead my hands ended up pressed to his chest and his face inches from mine. Gilbert, I am going to fucking murder you! It was that moment where I realised the difference between Ludwig and I though. He's... muscular. He's tall. This build of his... It's fucking overpowering. I felt weak. Also I hated the fact that it only really occurred to me while my hands were on his chest.

Ludwig was the one to straighten up first. He stood there for a moment with pink spreading across his cheeks. Ugh, I guess it was double awkward for him. I'm well aware I look similar to my brother after all.

He frowned over at Gilbert. "Bruder, can you refrain from doing that? Show Lovino more respect. I said I would join, but Lovino won't want to if he's treated like this." Suddenly the mischievous glint in Gilbert's eyes disappeared and his face fell. His howling laugh died down at those words. "I'll be out late tonight. Lovino, if Feliciano didn't tell you already, then it's because uh... w-w-we're going out to-tonight..." Man, he couldn't be any more awkward saying those last four words.

Wait a second; Feliciano didn't mention any of this shit to me! But any upset expression on Gilbert's face had now vanished and his smirk returned. Ah, that's better. I mean uh, I didn't want him looking sad. Then I'd be obligated to do something about it; I don't want to comfort an idiot potato freak.

"If you need me out of the house for the night, let me know!" Gilbert chuckled. If he's implying what I think he's implying..! Ludwig went bright red. Oh hell, he imply what I thought he was implying!

"Th-that won't be necessary..!" he glanced at me, looking sympathetic. No, that's a false sympathetic look, dammit! "Anyway, I have to go. Take care, Lovino." Then he nodded at his brother and left the room. Oh yeah, I'd long since cleared from the door. It seems that if I try to physically obscure his path, shit happens to me. So I've given up on that tactic.

Whatever, Gilbert's smaller than his brother so I'll throttle him instead. I need payback for my nosebleed and for being shoved into the guy I hate most of all! Those thoughts flew out the window however, as Gilbert took me by the wrist and sat me down in a chair. He sat across from me and leaned back, propping his feet up on the table. Bastard, fall backwards and smack your head on the floor, okay?

"I lied to you, Lovino."

Wow, that has got to be the worst conversation opener ever. I felt thoughts relating to throttling bounce back to the surface of my mind again.

"Remind me why I haven't killed you yet!" If I could, I'd definitely throw this table at him right now! How much further does he plan to piss me off?

"Ah yeah, shoving you into a bookcase wasn't the most awesome thing in the world..." he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "But this is way worse."

"Oh really?" I folded my arms. "How so, bastard?"

"You aren't the first member of BAMF Squad. I lied. Ludwig is."

...Why the fuck would I care about that? "I didn't even say I'd join, dammit!"

Gilbert smirked at me. "This group I'm planning to run is going to take up most afternoons after school! If Ludwig's part of the group, he can't go on dates with Feliciano."

"So? You know very well how much I despise your brother! He's hogging my fratellino, dammit! The one looking after Feliciano is supposed to be me!" I snapped. Why did this only make Gilbert's grin wider, dammit? "What's your point?"

"Ludwig is a useful brother. I convinced him to do all the paperwork and shit. He's well aware of what it means; being away from Feliciano more and limiting their time to class, lunch and the occasional weekend..." When I asked for a point, I meant a point. So Gilbert's club is being fucking convenient in taking Ludwig away from my brother, so what? "But I want awesome members in the BAMF Squad. I want a Vargas. I want you. But if you won't join, I'll ask your brother to join instead."

What? So is that the point? So if I'm not in the club, Feliciano will be? And if this club is running every afternoon after school during the week that would mean Ludwig and Feliciano would get to spend time during class, during lunchtime, afterschool and the weekends. Their relationship would be escalating more and more during the school term. With that sort of development going on, they'll be married and adopting three children by fucking Christmas! However, if I'm there instead of Feliciano, I would be preventing such a thing from happening. Gilbert knew all of that. He's well aware of all of this. That bastard is fucking manipulating me into joining his stupid club! But why? Why me of all people? I still don't get it.

"I'm not having my fratellino getting involved in any shady groups. Don't you dare have him join," I replied, narrowing my eyes at him seriously. "I'll join for the sake of protecting my fratellino and getting between him and your brother. Got it? Those are my only reasons!"

Gilbert swung his feet off the table and beamed at me. "So you'll join! Awesome!" I shot him my best disgusted look. "Right! I'll tell you what BAMF stands for!" Upon hearing this, I leaned forward curiously. Huh, then I guess it doesn't stand for the obvious. "Beyond Awesome with Extreme Mad Skills and an Epic Fanbase!"

"..."

That's right. I had been rendered completely and utterly speechless. The retardedness of it all just killed my ability to speak dead. Was I supposed to look amazed? Is this the part where I'm meant to laugh? Gilbert seriously thought about names and this was what he concluded to be the best. Fucking hell, I know it's got to be the case but I don't want to believe it. I really don't.

Ignoring my expression, he continued to speak. "That would normally become BAWEMSAAEF is what you're probably thinking." No Gilbert, you're way off mark. Trust me. "But that's too long to say, isn't it? So it's BAMF instead! The awesome part is that everyone will just assume its meaning to be 'badass motherfucker' but only awesome people will know what it really stands for! Haha, I think it's pretty clever! What do you think?"

I agreed to join this group. This could be my one opportunity to voice protest to the name. It's a retarded name and is in dire need of urgent change. There's no way I'm telling people that I've joined a group at school known as the BAMF Squad, dammit!

Like I said though, my speech died a horrible and brutal death.

He waited for an answer. We both waited. No answer. Fuck. "Oh! So awesome it rendered you speechless?" I shook my head. "...You don't have to be shy about it, you know." Again, I shook my head. "Then what?" he frowned.

"...You killed my brain. That name murdered all my brain cells..." I finally spoke.

"...In a good way or bad?"

"How can you murder brain cells in a good way?"

"What would you suggest as an alternative name then?"

...

I'm stuck with being part of the Beyond Awesome with Extreme Mad Skills and an Epic Fanbase Squad. BAMF Squad. It's as bad as it sounds, no, _worse_. And because Gilbert and I spent so much time debating on what a fitting name for the club would be, lunch ended before I could even grasp what the hell the club was actually for. Whatever it was, it was going to be awesome. And I'm talking Gilbert's idea of awesome, not my own.

Then I tried to think about what I found awesome and what Gilbert probably found awesome. And I spent the rest of the day thinking about it. When I got home, I remembered that Feliciano was out with the potato fag and so I didn't have anyone to distract me from these thoughts.

And I reached a conclusion.

No matter what angle I approached these thoughts from, I couldn't deny that there was an appeal to the way Gilbert Beilschmidt viewed life. He appeared to want extraordinary events to happen and supernatural beings to appear to him. I think a part of me wanted the same long ago, just to break away from the excruciating difficulties of conforming to a normal life. Never did I think I was special and I didn't feel a need to make a spectacle of myself either.

So I suppose one could argue that Gilbert, a guy who liked to call himself awesome and wish for amazing things, was someone who embodied the sorts of crap I wanted. Maybe a small part of me envied him. Well, the majority of me would deny all of this bullshit. But I guess there's no harm in pondering these things, right? Would be embarrassing if someone had been reading my mind this entire time...

If Gilbert thought for even a second that I was maybe sort of kinda jealous of him, he'd probably crow about it for months.

...

"Ve! Fratello; Ludwig told me you and him are going to be in a club with Gilbert~!"

"Fratellino, get the fuck out of my room! I was trying to sleep, dammit!"

"Eh? Oh! Spiacente!"

"...Fucking hell, it's past midnight! Why are you back so late?"

"The night was so nice that we took a walk along the beach and held hands and... Um... Oh! We lost track of time and then we kis-"

"I don't need details, dammit!"

"But you asked why I was back so la-"

"Shut up, dammit!"

"Ve~ so what's the club about~?"

"It's about you getting the fuck out of my room, now go!"

"Really? I don't thi-"

"Both of you be quiet! We're trying to sleep!" And that was our mother telling both Feliciano and I to shut up.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was the next day of school, and before I could even enter the classroom I was slammed against the door. Gilbert, if I've lost most of my brain cells due to this, you better hope the remaining cells aren't wired on the idea of murdering you. Because quite regularly, I really want to, dammit! Thankfully for me, Gilbert wasn't doing the gay thing and pressing up against me or shoving his brother onto me or whatever. This time he was just grabbing my attention.

Of course he was grabbing my attention in a violent and extremely infuriating kind of way, but I guess it worked. I rubbed my nose and realised he had brought someone with him.

"Look what I've collected!" Gilbert exclaimed with a grin. He presented the other person to me; who looked to be either our year or the one above. I eyed him up and down as he radiated sunshine at me. It's a wonder I wasn't blinded. "His name is Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! He's in his third year but he's also new! I caught him all spaced out just five minutes ago! Aren't I awesome?"

Caught him..? Oh god, if this is really his way of recruiting members... then I thought about how I was strung along. Fuck, his means of acquiring members really are this stupid!

Antonio must've been more willing than I was though. The sun was an accurate way of describing him, I guess. He smiled and smiled and I hated to admit it, but he was oozing cuteness. Guh, he won't stop smiling at me. I don't know whether to melt into his gaze or be absolutely pissed off with him, dammit! He didn't look anything special. And then he spoke.

"Hola! So you're a member of the BAMF Squad too?" Antonio stared at me curiously, his smile far from disappearing. Oh fuck, he just had to be Spanish too. Stupid hair. Stupid tan. Stupid dreamboat looks. I just know I'm going to be insecure around this idiot. And I must've nodded because he continued speaking. "Ah! Nice to meet you, um..?"

"L-L-Lovino..!" I stuttered out. Oh my fucking god, I must seem like the biggest fag.

Then the Spaniard stared at me, his expression switching from radiating happiness to a look of total adoration. Shit, he's giving me that look! Fuck, with that look within what must be a minute of having met me, I should be expecting a marriage proposal from him at the end of the day! There's no way I'm accepting that proposal, just for the record.

Suddenly, Antonio grabbed at Gilbert's arm and jabbed his finger in my direction. "Look, Gilly~! That face..! It's... It's like a tomato!"

Oh hell.

Trust Gilbert to pick a freak to join the BAMF Squad.

Gilbert gazed at me. "Heh! You're right, Toni!" Wait a second. They've known each other for five minutes and already they're addressing each other with such familiarity? Screw it; they're a match made in heaven. Though that would make for a retarded heaven. But a match made in hell doesn't sound quite right either... The point I'm trying to make is that I know Gilbert wants 'awesome people' in his stupid club and if he's getting along with Antonio like this, then he must find Antonio awesome for whatever reason.

My thoughts were rudely interrupting by Gilbert suddenly grabbing at my cheeks and asking why I go red so easily. "G-Get your hands off me, dumbass!" I shoved him away only to have Antonio's finger start prodding at my left cheek. Oh hell... "Stop that, bastard!"

"Bastard..? So mean, Lovi... Can I call you Lovi? Is it okay if I call you Lovi? You can call me Toni too if you want~!" Oh hell, he's just overloading me with questions and statements! I can barely keep up, dammit.

"No calling me Lovi, dammit! Just stop poking my face!" I snapped before swinging the classroom door wide open and slamming it behind me. The students inside all stared at me strangely. Alfred burst out laughing at my expression. "Don't you dare comment, Alfred Fatass Jones!"

"Man! The bell for class hasn't even gone but you're behaving like that! We're in for quite a day!" Alfred commented; the rest of the class looked to be in agreement. Well, fuck.

On the bright side, I have until lunchtime to suss this new development out in my head. I dislike class work, but since Gilbert's leapt into my life I've needed a distraction. How depressing that this class work and shit has become my refuge time. And I never thought I'd think that!

The BAMF Squad has four members now. One more is needed to go towards the club being registered into the school. Unfortunately this is Gilbert and he has a way of getting things he wants. The members need to be regular members too, but with Gilbert's behaviour all members will be forced to regularly attend club meetings. I tried to think about the members themselves. After all, I would be seeing them regularly.

Gilbert I've thought enough about. Annoyingly stupid. Wants to encounter supernatural shit. Has a penchant for the word 'awesome'. Is too rough and probably likes it tha – oh hell, I am not going to even think about that. Don't go there, Lovino.

Ludwig is there and I don't know why. Does Gilbert think he's awesome? Or just convenient for making up the numbers? I didn't think Ludwig was so easily pushed over by his brother though. Not that I care; this club is decreasing the time Ludwig gets with my brother.

And finally is this guy I barely know who happens to be new despite this being his final year of high school. An odd time to change schools. His family must have shit going on with their occupations or whatever. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. He looked like the kind of guy who would set girls' hearts aflutter with that sickeningly sweet smile. And the idiot look he gave me just because my face went red again..! What the shit was with that? Screw it; he must be a flaming gay with that attitude of his! No wonder he switched over to Hetalia _Boys'_ High.

Why was I feeling so insulting? I mean... for a second I... don't think I minded Antonio all that much. But realising I didn't mind only freaked me out, didn't it? Still, I can already see that 'Gilly' and 'Toni' are going to make for an incredibly obnoxious combination...

Lunchtime arrived and the first thing Gilbert did was sprint out the door. Alfred left for baseball practise and I was stuck having lunch with Kiku. He made some comments about my life reminding him of some anime. I asked him how so and he went quiet. Maybe he didn't know how to explain it? No, I don't think that was it. His expression was thoughtful; I don't think he deemed it right to tell me. So I asked for the name of the anime. He smiled at me slightly.

"The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Just as I was about to go home and illegally download this so-called anime for the sole purpose of seeing whether my life was similar to it, Gilbert had grabbed me by the back of my shirt collar and dragged me off to the clubroom. Oh yeah, he arrived back for the last period of school. What the hell is he doing out of school anyway? Chances were that it related to the BAMF Squad.

And arriving in the clubroom, I realised I was correct. Ludwig was placing an assortment of drinks in a mini-refrigerator and Antonio was plugging in cords to the wall as part of the process of setting up a television and video gaming console. There were bookshelves filled with video games, board games and books as well. Hell, there was even a bird cage hanging from the wall with a yellow canary inside it. Gilbert explained to me as I laid my eyes upon it that the bird's name was Gilbird and that he was potentially the most important member of the club.

Many questions immediately popped up. Regarding things like how the club needed five _human_ members to be accepted, not four humans and a stupid bird. But looking at all the new items that had been brought into the clubroom, the main question on my mind was…

"Gilbert, are you planning on living here?"

Gilbert and Antonio both laughed at this question with the former shaking his head. "No! I'd need a bed for that! But aren't I awesome, acquiring all this stuff? Actually I got Ludwig to go and get it all; he spent most of the day out of school doing so."

I stared incredulously at Ludwig. "How the shit did you afford all of this?" Gilbert shrugged at this question as Ludwig provided no proper answer. I glanced at Antonio, who simply smiled back at me. Ugh, does he ever not smile? I looked away quickly, slapping at my cheeks to rid myself of the blush that began to form. Damn it, why did Gilbert have to pick a guy like him? I don't want to have nice people in this club! Then I'll find myself wanting to go and I don't want to sink that low! "Anyway, why's Antonio here?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's a club member," Gilbert replied rather blankly.

"Antonio, why the hell would you join? Do you even know what this club does?" I don't get these other two members. Ludwig probably joined because it's his brother who asked but Antonio appeared to have no logical reason to be here. Even though they're obviously fast friends, it seemed like too spontaneous of a decision.

The Spaniard thought about it for a quick moment, pressing a finger to his lips. "I don't! But that's okay! Gilbert seems like a fun person; I hope to get along with Ludwig too! And of course you too, Lovinito~!" And he just won a one-way ticket to receiving a whack to the back of his head. "Ow! Did I say something wrong?"

"L-Lovino, dammit!" I corrected him furiously. I don't care that he was quick to calling Gilbert 'Gilly' but there's no way he's treating me with the same familiarity too!

"Don't you like having a nickname?" he looked a tiny bit upset. Oh god, I got rid of the smile for a moment! And it felt like a guilt-trip of some kind, dammit.

"Don't you like nicknames?" Gilbert jumped into our conversation, looking left out. I scowled at the both of them. It's not that I don't like nicknames… I guess I'm not used to them. So I decided that without an answer that I was willing to give, changing the subject seemed like the ideal option. Wait, Antonio didn't give Ludwig a nickname! What is up with that?

"Uh... So what the shit does this club do?" I asked after a moment of failing at life. As in I stuttered. Ew. "You never did explain that properly to me either, Fagbert."

Gilbert narrowed his eyes at me. "Fagbert."

...Wow, I did just seriously call him that. Ha! "Yes! Fagbert. Fag plus Gilbert equals Fagbert."

Antonio clapped his hands together with a look of enlightenment. "It makes sense!"

"No it doesn't!" Gilbert growled at him; causing Antonio to laugh awkwardly. "I'm not a fag! Think about all the times Lovi's said 'dammit' in his life-"

"Dammit, don't call me that!" I cut in. It hadn't occurred to me that I was just adding to whatever point he was trying to make.

"- and double that. I've had that many girlfriends!" Gilbert finished, folding his arms and frowning. Ludwig sighed.

"You've had about fifteen girlfriends, bruder. The longest you lasted with one was about a week with the shortest was five minutes. You had sex with about three of them and I've walked in on you twice, once you were on the couch..." And after saying all of that, Ludwig twitched as if traumatised by the memory. Dude, holy shit. Gilbert's love life is better than mine..! But ew, I would hate to walk in on Gilbert having sex with anybody. That would scar me permanently. "...And without any exception, you were the one to break it off."

"Gilbert, I think I hate you..." I muttered, wanting to disbelieve Ludwig's words. But the way he said it, I couldn't help but believe it.

"Kesesese~" Gilbert laughed, clearly proud of all that. Sheesh, what a slut. Though it did seem to stop after he got turned down by Elizabeta Héderváry... But trying to ask him about it made him get all pissed off. Must've been a huge blow to his ego, though I felt it was much needed. "Oh! To answer your earlier question, the BAMF Squad is all about awesome!"

"..."

Oh for fuck's sake, I'm never going to know.

Ludwig stood up and tossed a can of soda to Gilbert. They exchanged looks and the younger of the potato bastards paced over to me. Gah, don't come closer..! I took a step back and he stopped. "So you joined without asking about that?" I shook my head, suddenly feeling pretty idiotic. Antonio admitted that he didn't ask either.

"My club's so awesome people wanna join even if they're out of the loop~!" Gilbert exclaimed. Oh shut up, it's your fault nobody knows shit. You force them to join without bothering to explain anything. It's a wonder if Ludwig knows.

And the bastard knows. So Gilbert will explain his stupid club to Ludwig but not to me or Antonio? Great, just great.

"My bruder wants to discover extraordinary things. He for some reason thinks that there are supernatural beings such as time travellers, espers and aliens in this world," Ludwig explained. Why am I not surprised? Though if Gilbert seriously expects us to find those things for him, he's got another thing coming! "I happen to disagree." Oh joy, one of the potatoes has common sense.

"That's where he's wrong! Right, Antonio?" Gilbert prompted an instant "Right!" from the Spaniard. So that's half of the BAMF Squad that don't believe in those things and half (the idiot duo) that do. "I'm going to prove it too! But first..." The red-eyed bastard walked over to a hanger and pulled an outfit off it. Shit, I only just noticed that! And the outfit happened to be... a giant chick costume. Chick as in the bird. Like Gilbird in the cage hanging off the ceiling. Oh fuck. "Antonio."

"Hm~?"

"Put this on!"

"No!" I snapped. What kind of third year high school student goes around wearing a baby bird costume? It'll only looking retarded! Gilbert and Antonio both stared at me.

"...You wanna wear it instead?" The pair asked in unison.

...

So Antonio put on the stupid costume without any form of argument. Why was he so willing to go along with this shit? It pissed me off. If it were me, I'd have screamed and protested. They'd have to knock me out or kill me to get me into that goddamn costume.

The biggest problem was that somehow, the costume was kind of... adorable. Antonio looked like a total idiot though, his face just barely poking out, still with that smile of his. Does he like wearing this shit? I don't really want to know. Gilbert adored the costume though and was hugging the chick!Antonio with glee. Ludwig and I exchanged looks and sighed. Oh fuck, I actually had a shared moment with him of all people. Ew.

"Antonio, you have no idea how awesome you look!" Gilbert was grinning from ear to ear. "Look, Lovi! The costume's so squishy! Hug him!"

"No." My response was deadpan.

Antonio laughed and flapped his 'wings'. "If you won't hug me, I'll just hug you instead~!" And with that, he came at me and tackled me to the floor. Was that supposed to be a hug? I froze though, realising his face was only inches from mine. "Ah sorry! I was too forceful, Lovinito!"

"Get the shit off of me..!" I screamed. A moment later we had both scrambled to our feet – though Antonio needed Ludwig and Gilbert's help to do so, what with the retarded costume and all. "What the shit is with that costume?"

Gilbert had a glint in his eye. "The reason why I brought Antonio here was because... well, in every strange situation, there's always an attractive guy and shit around! Like, the smiles and the sparkles and all that! I mean, not to say I don't fill that role enough on my own but..." He grabbed at Antonio again. "Look at this guy! He smiles enough smiles to feed starving children!" Er... what? "And even though you can't see it in this costume, his ass is amazing! I'm saying that as a friend, Toni."

"I know, Gilly!" Antonio beamed at him.

Oh fuck, these two. So Gilbert grabbed Antonio and recruited him for the BAMF Squad because he's a gorgeous Spaniard with a great ass. Huh, I kind of want to see this so called amazing ass. And I swear I'm only saying that as a nothing more than a fellow club member who wants to know whether Gilbert is telling the truth or not. Just thought I'd clarify.

Superficial reasoning though. Whatever.

Though when I think about it, looking at Antonio, maybe I could see where Gilbert was coming from... Oh fuck, I did not just think that! Shut the fuck up, Lovino..!

"Anyway! We're off to recruit members using the power of cute. See ya later!" And with that, Gilbert took off and out the door with Antonio in tow. Ludwig and I were left alone. This just keeps getting worse.

"Can we just leave?" I asked, plopping myself down on one of the chairs; Ludwig sat across from me.

"My bruder wouldn't like that. They'll take a while though," he replied. Then he folded his arms. "I would like to discuss something with you though. Please don't be difficult. I'm well aware how you feel about me, but this is important. It's regarding my true identity and Gilbert."

I wanted to protest and leave, but the deadly serious look in Ludwig's bright blue eyes compelled me to stay. The fuck? So yeah, I chose to let him speak. How could I not? We had to wait so I guess Ludwig's unimportant shit can waste time for the both of us.

"Go," I said, prompting him to talk.

He looked uneasy. Hell, it took him a whole minute to think about his words and work out a beginning. Guess it is somewhat important. True identity? Fuck, has he been lying to my brother about who he really is? Now I'm seriously concerned.

"...Gilbert and I aren't what you would consider ordinary humans."

"Duh, you're potato basta – " Oh, that's not what he means.

He tapped his fingers on the desk and his foot on the floor. Guess there was no easy way to explain whatever? "Gilbert and I are different from people such as yourself, Feliciano, Kiku or even Antonio. Though Antonio's different too. Uh... I have taken on the identity of Ludwig Beilschmidt three years ago. You could say that I am a humanoid interface created by the Data Overmind, the supervisor of this galaxy."

...Huh? Confusion's an understatement for my current feelings. Still, with that serious expression of his, he continued to speak.

"During the past three years, the situation was fairly stable with only one disruption that was easily taken care of. But now an even more irregular factor has appeared and interacted with Gilbert." Ludwig looked me dead in the eyes now. "I'm referring to you." Me? I'm an irregular factor? Sheesh, insults are just getting more and more ridiculous these days. Sorry I'm not regular enough for Gilbert..! Hmph! "In any case, the Data Overmind is in a sense, the entire universe. It's data but it evolves over the years as it collects more and more knowledge. It has no tangible form. Uh... I'd explain it with more technical terms but I want you to understand. The Data Overmind is interested in humans on Earth and the possibility that they possess the potential of breaking free of the cul-de-sac of auto evolution. Three years ago, the Data Overmind observed a data flare unlike all others. An explosion of data where Gilbert Beilschmidt emerged at the centre of it all. The cause or effect is unknown."

He wanted me to understand. But the truth was, none of this shit was making the slightest bit of sense. So uh... there was data and evolution and Gilbert at the centre of a data explosion? Sounds fucking weird. And Gilbert goes on about wanting extraordinary things? Asshole, isn't causing a data explosion enough for you? What's a data explosion supposed to mean anyway? Wait, am I supposed to believe any of this? What the shit is a humanoid interface anyway?

...Ludwig said he didn't believe in time travellers or espers or aliens. Yet from the words he's speaking, isn't he pretty much an alien? I mean, I always knew he was a total freak but... but this is something else. On a scale of one to what the shit, this stuff I'm hearing is what the shit.

"He is unaware of this. Gilbert can trigger torrents of data rapidly and at random too. The Overmind believes he is the key to auto evolution. I have been created along with others so the Overmind can have a means of interacting with Gilbert Beilschmidt, to observe him. Because Gilbert can control his surrounding environment when he desires it so. That is why I'm here. Why you're here."

There was a long silence.

"Huh?"

Yeah, for all the essays Ludwig had just spouted at me, that was all I had to offer in return. He sighed and glanced around the room rather awkwardly. Then he continued.

"It's difficult to convey all of the thought process of the Data Overmind. Sorry."

"...I don't understand any of the shit you spewed out," I replied bluntly. "What the shit is this? You're fucking around with my brain here! And why are you telling me this, assuming I'm believing this crap?"

"The conclusion we have made is that you have been chosen by Gilbert Beilschmidt. Whether he is aware of it or not. There must be a reason why an ordinary human such as yourself would be chosen to be a part of this club he has created."

I shook my head. "I don't think so! Gilbert seems to be doing this shit entirely on a whim. I'm not special or any of that shit. He wanted 'awesome people'. I don't think anyone in the BAMF Squad is like that."

"Still, it is believed you are the key to Gilbert Beilschmidt, whether you like it or not. You have been chosen."

With a growl, I shot up to my feet. This shit he's trying to have me believe..! I knew well enough that Ludwig wasn't the type to pull practical jokes and feed me lies like that. But just because he believes in this stuff doesn't mean I have to agree. I'm part of the BAMF Squad because Gilbert would have my brother join instead if I didn't. Duh!

"And you, Ludwig Beilschmidt, are a fucking idiot! Data Overmind? Take your data theories and suck it!" And with that, I made my leave.

How could I believe any of it? It just didn't make any sense to me. But it only secured the fact that the Beilschmidt family were made up of freaks. Ludwig didn't bother coming after me. Perhaps I'd talked him back in his place. Ha, that's the way it should be.

But what happened to him caring about Gilbert being mad at the prospect of us leaving before he and Antonio got back?

Upon seeing Gilbert and Antonio at the front gate bothering other students trying to leave with shit to do with the BAMF Squad, I made a dash for one of the other exits out the school. I mulled over Ludwig's words and came to the conclusion that Gilbert had warped his mind with this stuff. But I suppose that would contradict the whole 'Gilbert isn't aware that his brother thinks he's an alien and caused a data ka-boom' junk he was trying to feed me. Hmph.

A tiny part of me decided to stay quiet on all of this though. I got home and I saw my brother making a start on cooking dinner. My mouth opened and I expected all this shit about Ludwig thinking he's an alien to spill out. But not a sound escaped my lips. I wondered why.

My brother always looks sad whenever I diss Ludwig or claim he's taking him away from me. In fact, whenever Ludwig's name popped up in conversation, Feliciano would smile, but there would be sadness behind that smile. And when he looks at Ludwig, the idiot's clearly in love. But he has this fearful look in his eyes as if Ludwig was going to get up and leave. When I slumped down on my bed, I realised what kept me from talking to Feliciano about it.

Ludwig's an alien. He is not an ordinary human like Feliciano or me. Just knowing that alone was enough to realise that he was never meant to stay with us.

Yet one question was seriously pissing me off.

If he's an alien that's here to observe Gilbert, then why the shit is he going out with Feliciano Vargas?

**_-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_**

**_Gilbert: Next time, on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas'! What the? Look Lovi, a transfer student!_**

**_Lovino: A what?_**

**_Gilbert: Capture time!_**

**_Lovino: Huh? Wait, but... oh fuck, he looks to be getting along with the idiot duo..._**

**_Ivan: I don't feel like the data being observed is satisfactory. I'd like to trigger a torrent of data that will actually provide us with a better knowledge. It would be useful, da?_**

**_Lovino: So why are you calling me out, not Gilbert?_**

**_Ludwig: Wait Lovino, don't go with him!_**

**_Gilbert: Next up is 'The Murder Attempt on Lovino Vargas!' Waha, Lovi, you're in for some fun!_**

**_Lovino: ...the fuck?_**


End file.
